Anger

Wow, that sounds ominous, doesn't it?

No really. Our pastor has been doing a sermon series recently entitled "How to Kill Relationships and Irritate People." I had no idea how convicting it was going to be, and I don't think anybody else did either. If you want to take a listen, visit www.yourchurch.com. Be ready to feel 2 inches tall.

I've always known that I get frustrated with things easily, and it always depends on what else is going on... but I never translated that into "anger" because it is never long-lasting. I get more short bursts of anger. One thing that the pastor said (among many) that really made me listen, was a challenge that Jonathan Edwards gave to himself:

"Try to never become angry at an inanimate object."

Sounds kinda dumb, right? Yes, but incredibly relatable for me. I become angry with my work computer (not my Mac) on a regular daily basis. Like really angry. I work at home, so letting my feelings out is a little easier than if I were in the office. Our retired neighbor who is home all day long probably thinks I'm a psycho b/c of all my outbursts in frustration with this machine. I don't get frustrated with people nearly as much as I get angry with inanimate objects. My computer. My hair. The kitchen floor (it has these little grooves that harbor dirt and I can NEVER get it out). The dishwasher.

I become extremely frustrated with things I cannot control. But wait... isn't that one of the things that anger is borne out of? The fact that we want to control what goes on in our lives? Isn't that what they call "pride?" A-HA!

It seems that most of my anger and frustration comes out of discontent. I become bored very easily and I like change, to a point. If I had my way, we would be living in a house, have at least one child, Mike would still be working, and I would be at home with said child, doing Pampered Chef full-time. That is my dream. And I want it now. I wanted it like a year ago. So far, no dice. My job is currently soul-squelching, exhausting, and I am totally, completely 100% burned out. Sometimes I even question if I want to stay in the health field. We are living in an apartment that is wall-to-wall stuff, and I can't do anything about it. I like to have my home clean, and I just can't get it clean because of all the crap. There's just not room for it. We are busting at the seams right now. And of course, because of the lack of space, there are no kids. I am doing Pampered Chef part-time and it's actually going really well. It's just that I know it would probably be going AMAZING if I had the time and opportunity to do it full-time.

I go to church, read blogs, and see people who are exactly where I want to be. Their life may not be glamorous, but it's what I want. And I think something that makes it harder, is that I'm probably closer than ever to actually having it. It's like it's so close, yet so far away!

It's interesting how we change as we grow. My biggest source of anger used to be traffic. Now it seriously doesn't get me like it used to. Indianapolis mellowed me out.

I know that God is using this time to mold me and get me ready for what's next.
1. Living with a roommate the year before Mike and I got married definitely prepared me for a spouse.
2. Allowing me to start a business with PC before I can do it full-time is allowing me to get good at it so that when the opportunity to go full-time approaches, I'll know what I'm doing!
3. Making me wait for kids is giving me more time to observe families around me, and learn about what to do when that time comes for us.
4. Dealing with an apartment that will never actually be clean is teaching me that the world doesn't end if the bathroom floor isn't swiffered today. I would love to see the statistics for death by clutter. Hmmm.
5. Living with a man who watches more cartoons than most children must be preparing me for the household of boys we'll end up with some day!
6. Having a hubby who is a picky eater is getting me ready for the kids who consistently ask, "What's the green stuff?"
7. And last of all, only having to care for one person (Mike) has given me more opportunities to reach out to others too.

I want to ask for prayer from any/all of my blog-readers that I would continue to see my anger and frustration and not view it as failure, but as a way to grow. And that I would "breathe grace." I want to be a woman Mike looks forward to seeing every evening, not a haggard, exhausted, over-worked person who has no time for him. I think that Satan uses my job as a way to tempt me to sin over and over and over again. I need to look at all my responsibilities and view them as blessings, rather than headaches. Chances to learn.

There. I did it again. Called the computer a freakin' piece of crap.

This isn't going to be easy.